Couldn’t start the new year without popping in here, especially since I managed to not post at all in 2016. It has been over a year since my last update. In that time I’ve asked myself why do I insist on keeping this blog when I can’t even manage to post regularly? I can’t put my finger on why I’m stubborn to move on. I have many memories tied to this blog and all the different versions it’s gone through.
I’ll always want a place to jot down my thoughts or keep track of large milestones but find that I prefer more private outlets. So much has happened to me since my last post but no evidence of it can be found online. This isn’t to brag: I’ve never been comfortable with displaying my failures and successes on social media. It feels like last year was one of major life events and growth. I came out a completely different person towards the end and learned a lot about myself.
Life was nothing but the gym for the first six months of 2016. Continuing from the momentum of December prior, I managed to get up to eleven workouts a week at my peak (no I’m not doing that anymore, that’s not sustainable). In that process I gained a new body and mindset. I lost the fear that kept me from trying new things my entire life because I conquered one of the biggest sources of anxiety: my weight and my fear of the gym. Continuing that momentum brought me back to figure skating.
I picked it up again after having quit the sport at age 13 and have found a lot of fulfillment. Just like in the gym, I like seeing my progress over time and I got better really fast (muscle memory is a beautiful thing).
Outside of that I have new people in my life who have taught me a lot about what it means to be a friend, a mentor, and a partner, how to have patience, how to be forgiving (especially to yourself), how to be resilient, how to welcome change, and how to love.
I’ve learned a lot about myself last year too. I learned how harsh I am to myself, how I never give myself a break and would rather overwork than sleep in. I also learned what it’s like to burnout. I learned that it’s OK to assert yourself and still be loved, that drawing boundaries is a good thing, and that it’s fine if something scares you but it’s not fine to let that fear stop you from going forward.
I grew up a lot in 2016. Knowing what I have ahead of me in the next twelve months makes me step forward with both fear and excitement. There’s so much I’m anxious to do but at the same time so much that I’m dreading. Sometimes what I dread and what I want are the same thing. Learning to embrace the gray instead of the black and white in my life terrifies me but it is also where I’ll grow the most.